The stuff they don't show you on television

Movie-making is very easy, right? All you do is grab a camera –a phone even- and switch it on, place your target in front of you, make them do something and then mount the footage on YouTube. No budget, really, unless you count the modem or cyber fees for uploading the footage on YouTube. No work, either, right?

You have no idea! Did you know that the drama that goes on behind the scenes could make an entire series on its own? In fact, some Hollywood Cyber sentinel has spotted this blogpost and made a studio call already.

He’s probably saying; “Hello, Mr. Film Director, I just stole this intellectually confounding idea off of the Kibera Film School site, about making a series out of the behind the scenes footage. Really, why didn’t we think of this before?" Seriously, they make serieses out of people staring at potted plants. And those sell!

So, this is the stuff they don’t show you on television and which we are going to show in the new Behind the Scenes series (we see you, idea-stealing Hollywood Cyber Sentinel):

Whenever we shoot around Kibera, we are followed by hordes of curious spectators. These people are so impatient they can’t wait for the movie premiere; they have to watch it on the set. For your own movie-watching safety, don’t talk to these people unless they have ‘Spoiler Alert’ disclaimer labels across their foreheads.

There are those spectators that come to the camera person and demand to be shot too. They say that whatever the cast is doing, they can do better. Serious negotiations begin. Sometimes the serious negotiations don’t stop until there’s a steady pounding of pain in the camera person's head.

Then there are those people who make a steady living out of watching the shooting of films. If you set up the tripod on the grass, you have to pay them. If you look at a goat, you have to pay them. If you breathe the air, you have to pay them. If you ask for directions, you have to pay them. In fact, now that we think about it, that’s such a business plan! We’ll be setting up the tripod and mounting the camera, then paying ourselves for looking at the goats and breathing and stepping on the grass. We won’t have to work another day of our lives!

The paranoid people come flailing hammers and toothpicks because the camera blinked instead of closing its eyes. They ask, “Why is it looking at me like that? What are the camera’s intentions?” So, this is a public service announcement: Our cameras are good people. They aren’t looking at you perversely. They only have good intentions in their hearts.

It can take hours to shoot just one scene. One episode has many scenes, and one season has many episodes. It takes endless standing, hunching under the weight of gruesome equipment, screaming your voice hoarse and bloodying your scalp with razors to bring your favourite show on the screen. Oh wait, there’s also the deafening growls issuing from your neglected stomach.  

It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. I know, I know, that’s a cliché line. If you know any film or television crew, give them a pat on the back. They deserve it.

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